From Clashing to Connecting: How Understanding Values Over Beliefs Can Transform Your Relationships
Have you ever been in the middle of a fiery argument that got your heart racing and your palms sweating, not just because you disagreed but because it felt like a personal assault on your very identity? It’s a shared experience. Too often, we slip into heated debates where beliefs are mistaken for the bedrock of our being—our values. We defend our viewpoints as if we're protecting our life's code from hackers.
But here’s the real deal: beliefs and values are not the same. Beliefs are the conclusions we’ve arrived at based on past experiences, the stuff we think is true. Values, on the other hand, are the principles we stand by, what we deem important and prioritize in life. Understanding this key difference can radically shift our interactions, dial down the emotional chaos, and deepen our connections with others. So, how exactly do we trek through this complex terrain and get better at communicating, particularly with those closest to us?
Navigating this space requires a mix of self-awareness and strategy. It means recognizing that just because something feels threatening, it doesn’t mean our core values are under siege. It’s about learning to step back and ask ourselves: "Is this a battle over factual correctness, or is it about what I fundamentally value?" By distinguishing between these layers, we can choose our battles wisely, engage more constructively, and keep our relationships from turning into war zones. Let’s explore how to turn our fiercest debates into opportunities for growth and connection.
Defining Beliefs and Values
What Are Beliefs?
Think of beliefs as the bricks that build your personal perception of reality. They're the sum of every experience you've had, every lesson you've learned, and every voice that has ever whispered in your ear. Pretty hefty, right? But here's the kicker—what if these bricks aren't set in stone? What if what you've always believed to be the gospel truth was just... one version of it?
Imagine the freedom in that. Suddenly, the walls you've built around your understanding of the world aren't barriers but simply starting points. You could shift them, reshape them, or even knock them down entirely if you find they no longer serve you. What you once thought was absolute could actually be flexible and changeable. How liberating is that?
Let's dive into a real-life scenario from my therapy room: I once worked with a young professional, who we will call Alex in this blog, who believed that "success" meant climbing the corporate ladder as quickly as possible. This belief was deeply ingrained and passed down from a hard-charging executive father. Alex was burning out fast, chasing promotions that promised happiness but delivered stress and isolation instead.
In our sessions, we unpacked this belief about success. When asked where he learned this belief, they quickly pointed to their father. Who they identified as hardworking but always absent as a father and knew the strain that it took in his parent’s relationship. This exploration was eye-opening for Alex, who began questioning whether this version of success was truly what he wanted to replicate. By identifying and challenging this belief, Alex could consider alternative definitions of success that align more with personal values like balance, relationships, and well-being.
What happened next was pretty amazing. Alex decided to shift gears—prioritizing health, starting a side hustle that fueled passion rather than just prestige, and setting boundaries at work that protected personal time. This change wasn't about rejecting success but redefining it on Alex's own terms. It was about choosing which bricks to keep and which to replace in the structure of beliefs.
So, what if you started examining your own beliefs? Could you find freedom in tweaking the formula that defines your reality? What if the belief that you're not good enough unless you're overworked and overstressed is just... well, nonsense? What would happen if you tore that belief down and built something new, something that genuinely makes you feel alive?
Remember, beliefs are powerful, but they're also yours to reshape. Whether you're facing career pressure, relationship myths, or personal dogmas about happiness and success, remember that you're the architect of your belief system. Renovate it. Modernize it. Make it a place you're proud to live in.
What Are Values?
Now, if beliefs are the bricks, values are the North Star guiding you through the night sky. These are the deep-seated principles that don't waver—they navigate you through life's storms and guide your course through calm and troubled waters alike. Values are more enduring than beliefs; they define not just what you think but, more importantly, who you are and how you relate to the world around you.
Unlike beliefs, which can turn on a dime with new information or new experiences, values are your constant. They're your personal compass, steadfast in providing direction whenever you find yourself lost in the fog of conflict or the haze of uncertainty. Values are what you hold sacred, and they shape not just your actions but also your reactions to the world around you.
So, while beliefs and values might seem to play for the same team, they're really playing two different games. Beliefs are about what you think is true; values are about what you know is important. Knowing the difference is crucial for navigating the complex social jungles and emotional oceans we find ourselves in every day.
In another case, consider a young professional client who was struggling with anxiety due to her parent's expectations. They believed that a traditional career path—law, medicine, engineering—was the only route to success. However, she valued creativity and personal fulfillment, which she found in her budding career as a graphic designer. Her parents’ beliefs about success clashed with her values, creating tension and self-doubt. Through therapy, she learned to articulate her values clearly, helping her parents see that her true happiness and sense of accomplishment were found through her art. This understanding shifted their expectations and eased her anxiety, aligning her professional choices with her values rather than her parent's beliefs.
Understanding this distinction is not just academic; it's a practical tool for navigating life's challenges. When you can differentiate between the inconsistent nature of beliefs and the steadfastness of values, you're equipped to face decisions with clarity and communicate in ways that bridge differences instead of widening gaps. This insight is especially powerful in our polarized world, where understanding and empathy are often in short supply but are precisely what's needed most.
The Conflict Between Beliefs and Values in Relationships
When you're in couples counseling, you see it all the time. Partners argue over beliefs as if they're defending the very core of their being—their values. This isn't just a minor squabble over who forgot to take out the trash; it's an all-out war where each belief is treated like a hill to die on. The air gets thick, not just with tension but with the weight of unspoken accusations and misunderstandings.
As a therapist, I've seen firsthand how confusing beliefs with values can throw even the most solid relationships into turmoil. Picture this: I once worked with a couple, let's call them Chris and Jamie. Chris came from a family where heated debates were the norm—their way of showing engagement and affection. Jamie, however, grew up in a home where calm discussion was the only acceptable form of communication; loud voices meant something was wrong.
Here, Chris’s belief was that passionate, loud debates were a sign of an engaged, healthy relationship, while Jamie viewed them as threatening and a sign of discord. This difference in beliefs about communication led to frequent clashes. However, both valued respect and understanding deeply. Once they recognized that their underlying value—mutual respect—was aligned, they could work on expressing this value in ways that respected their differing beliefs about communication.
This is where the rubber meets the road in understanding the critical difference between what we believe and what we value. Beliefs are the assumptions we make about the world—often handed down by parents, absorbed from peers, or assumed from cultural norms. Values, on the other hand, are the principles that guide how we live and what we stand for—they're about who we are at our core, not just what we think.
Recognizing this distinction is more than just academic—it's a crucial first step towards healing and deeper understanding. It allows us to step back and see that not every disagreement needs to be a battle. Instead, it can be an opportunity to explore and refine what truly matters to us, reducing conflicts and deepening connections. This isn’t just about finding a way to get along better; it’s about getting to a place where we can truly understand each other’s perspectives, fostering empathy rather than exacerbating estrangement.
In this way, acknowledging and understanding the difference between beliefs and values can be a powerful tool in not just surviving relationship squabbles but actually thriving through them by building stronger, more understanding bonds.
Techniques for Distinguishing Beliefs from Values
Identifying Sources of Beliefs
So, who programmed you? It’s a blunt question, but seriously—where did your beliefs come from? Think of your beliefs as software running in the background. Sometimes, that software needs updates (or outright uninstalling) because it might not be serving you well anymore. Reflecting on the origins of these beliefs—whether they came from parents, teachers, or a traumatic experience—can really clarify why you cling to them like a life raft. A lot of times, we create beliefs that may have served us well in the past to help protect us but are now unhelpful. Understanding where they come from can reduce the grip they have on you, opening up space for more self-compassion and the flexibility to adopt new, more constructive, and helpful beliefs. This is about making your mental software work for you, not against you.
Practical Strategies for Healthy Communication
The Scientist Mindset in Conversations
Think of yourself as a scientist the next time you dive into a discussion that feels like it's heading south. Scientists don't cling to their hypotheses with iron fists. Instead, they're curious, open to experimenting, and always ready to adjust their theories based on new findings. Adopt this mindset in your chats: hypothesize instead of asserting, test instead of assuming, and be prepared to shift your stance as you gather more insights. This approach not only smooths over conflicts but also enriches your relationships by fostering a deeper appreciation for diverse viewpoints. It's about being passionately dispassionate, where you're engaged in the learning more than the proving.
Conflict Resolution through Value Alignment
Now, when the heat rises and you find yourself locking horns over beliefs, pivot the conversation towards your shared values. It’s easy to stand firm in our personal echo chambers, but it’s profoundly more rewarding to explore the common ground. Whether it's a commitment to honesty, compassion, or fairness, reminding each other about these shared values can turn a fiery debate into a constructive dialogue. Think of it as recalibrating the conversation's GPS from a head-on collision course to a collaborative path forward. This isn't about suppressing your beliefs but about elevating your discussion to where mutual respect and understanding can flourish. It's turning the battlefield into a lab where together, you discover solutions that respect both your values.
What’s Next?
Understanding and clarifying the difference between beliefs and values isn't just about getting your brain gears grinding—it's about tapping into deeper empathy, dialing down the drama, and forging relationships that are actually worth a damn. This isn't some airy-fairy, feel-good mantra; it's real talk about real change.
As you embark on this journey, keep in mind that each step toward syncing up with your true values is a step away from bullshit and toward a life that truly resonates with you. Embrace this process, because the real magic in your relationships starts popping when you get why you value what you do—not just what you believe.
This journey is about stripping back the layers of noise and nonsense that life throws at you and getting down to the nitty-gritty of who you are and what makes you tick. It’s about looking conflict in the eye and having the tools to say, “Not today, chaos. I’ve got better things to do.” It’s about learning how to stop letting misplaced beliefs hijack your emotions and start building your life around values that actually mean something to you.
So dive in, challenge yourself to reevaluate the old beliefs that have been quietly running the show, and start steering by the stars of your real values. It’s a game changer—trust me. If you are ready to start your therapy journey, identify possible unhelpful beliefs, and identify your values, reach out to us at Horn Counseling. We would be happy to help you get connected with a therapist in your area who is a good fit for you and your therapy goals.
Actionable Steps
The Connect and Reflect Values Exercise
Alright, let's get practical with the Connect and Reflect Values Exercise. Here’s the deal: this isn’t about overhauling your whole life in one go. It’s about starting to realign your daily actions with your core values—those big-ticket items that matter most to you, not just the flimsy beliefs that come and go. You'll dive into memories of times spent with people you actually like (shocking, I know) and identify what values were at play. Was it honesty? Loyalty? Courage? By pinpointing these values in action, you start to see a blueprint for how to conduct yourself more authentically across all areas of your life. It’s about building a life that feels as good on the inside as it perhaps looks on the outside. This exercise is a tool for fine-tuning your actions so they’re in harmony with your values, boosting your relationships and personal satisfaction along the way. If you are ready to get started, download the Connect and Reflect Values Exercise handout and start clarifying your values.
References
"Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know" by Adam Grant
"Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl
"Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol S. Dweck
"Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Resources
